Location: United States
Carolyn Forrester is an artist who is interested in helping people embrace Trust and Vulnerability in their lives, which she has found is the secret to a fulfilling and happy life.
This body of work is based on the artist's life transformation and how she used the Emotional Matrix of Love and Hate to help heal and change her life forever. Through these images and stories, I take you on a journey, first going up the levels of the Hate side, where each step is more illusionary and separating. Then I take you through the steps of the Love side, where each step is more grounded and unifying. While one may want to deny the hate side, its effects on our world are undeniable. Only when one understands where they are, will they will be able able to make positive change. Even so, life is not static and we all move around in the Matrix. The ultimate goal is to live one's life primarily on the Love side. As you view this work, I hope you are able to see yourself and others more clearly.
Fear in it's purest form is a primal energy. Cavemen felt it, my ancestors felt it, so do I. It can save me from danger but also lead me to torment, as it is fertile soil hate grows in. I have woken up in the middle of the night with my heart pounding, feeling like my world is falling apart. How do I feel the fear and let it go - get back into Trust? Sometimes I am successful, sometimes not.
I find a degree of protection is healthy and necessary at times. Fear can drive me to move on the offense to back someone down, or on the defense to create personal boundaries. It has been a long road for me to learn to act cleanly, with integrity and honesty. I used to be more masked, a "pleaser", which proved to be tragically harmful. I lost touch with my personal needs and own self care. That stopped when I learned protection. Still, living behind strong walls doesn't allow for true intimacy with friends, or for deep self awareness to grow. I think an "art of living" is knowing when to listen to my fears and rise to protect, or instead to nurture trust, then open in vulnerability. Do I separate or connect?
Pride is seen as a good thing in our culture. After all, doesn't it feel great? Wouldn't you want it to last forever? But it doesn't last, it's a bloom of the ego, a temporary elevation of oneself that separates and sets us apart. Sadly, it lays the foundation for a deeper separation to follow. In school I got awards for academics that made me glow in the eyes of my parents. That glow lasted until my sister outdid me in another arena or a friend hurled and insult. Pride is a fragile balloon for me.
Like pride, its corresponding emotion of shame is also separating. When I feel shame, I feel less then, and I suffer. I'm tall and slender now, but growing up I went through several growth spurts that set me apart. I was awkward and a head taller than my peers. And don't get me started talking about the bowl cut (from the Sears' home hair cutting kit) that my parents did to my hair. I felt like I had a target painted on my back, wanted to make myself small and crawl in a whole. Thankfully I grew out of that phase and healed the hurts. Still, the memory lingers and I can return to the feeling at times.
Winning has an ego fueled buzz that’s addictive, and Americans crave to be the victor, whether individually or vicariously through others. “I deserve this, I earned this, and I’m better than those losers.” When I was accepted into one of the best graphic design schools…I won. When I bought a new car…I won. When I purchased my first home…I won. I was living the dream. But, the thing about winning is that it’s short-lived,” it’s transient. The ego’s enslavement to win is never ending, driven by a hungry ghost that is never satisfied. Each win needs to be succeeded by a new win. Then there’s always that fear of missing the mark…loser! These days I try to stay off the winner/loser treadmill. I strive to embrace passion and clean action instead. There is no ego buzz, yet I feel my life has a deeper charm. It’s a solid and more soulful way of being.
“"The World is Against Me" (Victim)”
Victim energy is the heavy feeling one has when they perceive that life is against them. Carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders, victims suffer. I remember feeling that way as a child on the playground and more recently as an adult in relationships. I saw myself as a casualty of persecution, the unrewarded one who worked the hardest. My unconscious “go to” habit was to twist situations in my mind and cast myself as the loser. I was “poor me”, trapped in a shame based drama, with a plot of my mind’s own creation. To write a new mental script, I spent several years healing my emotions. This new script of mine doesn’t simply flip my old victim illusion and recast me in an equally fragile winner illusion. Instead, I follow a formula of emotional work to acquire wholeness, which leads to resilience, an ease of living, and an unjaded eye.
“"Worthless Currency" (Praise)”
To praise someone is to flatter them. As a teacher, I used to praise my students, telling them "good job" for every little thing they did. On the surface this seemed desirable, but in practice it proved to be shallow manipulation. I was using praise to puff my students' fragile egos up, which sadly, a tiny pin prick of blame could easily deflate. My empty words lacked a part of myself, and like hot air, they were fleeting. To really be heard I needed to ground my statements with my own essence. These days I use the word "I" to make what is said personal, making me a vested part in the relationship. When I say "I love what you've written", it can't be challenged or disbelieved because I've been vulnerable enough to inject personal substance. I frame the words as my own truth. "I love" has a soulful ring to it. There's my own truth in those words, and that's music to the ears.
Blame carries an aggressive energy, targeting those responsible for your pain. I've blamed partners for financial woes, siblings for abuse, and myself for lack of boundaries. Blame lives in praise's shadow, born out of loss, as praise is born out of wins. It's easy to flip from one to the other. Both lay the groundwork for a separation from self, objectifying, as the ego puffs itself up and points outward. While all along, the enlightening path towards self-realization and the fulfillment of one's potential lies inward.
“"Sinner or Saint?" (Judgment)”
How will I be judged today - as a sinner or saint?
When I'm judged, I feel objectified. It's not all of me they see, just a part. I'm cast black or white, in a selective way that gratifies the judge's ego. What I think the judges miss by this narrow view are the more subjective shades of gray, connecting them to a deeper heartfelt understanding of my full and fluid life...how sad!
You can look at me, focus on a narrow collection of my life stories, pick out a few spotlighted instances, and then judge me a sinner.
You can look at me, focus on a narrow collection of my life stories, pick out other spotlighted instances, and then judge me a saint.
How will I be judged today?
“"All that Glitters is Not Gold" (Glorify)”
I've seen the glory and I've glorified. As a young woman I had a weakness for falling in love. A romantic filter distorted my vision. In our early years together, I placed my first husband on a pedestal, the projection of a glossy story line. In my love struck eyes "he had it all" and with a whirlwind of adoration he charmed me into believing that I had it all, too. I gave gifts, I wrote cards, I did sweet deeds; tokens of my worship, tokens that magnified his greatness. Sadly, I lost my sense of self in our mating dance. Romantic illusion blinded me to his mental illness, blinded me to problems in the relationship, and most importantly, it blinded me to my own needs and desires. I lived under the fallacy that this glorified partner of mine would meet all my wants if I simply kept pleasing him. I believed that he was my ticket to a great future. Over time cracks began to appear in this picture perfect vision of my husband. He changed from my savior into my tormentor, and I found myself living in a passive aggressive night mare. Gifts, sweet deeds and tokens of affection no longer cast a romantic spell on either of us. Still, even then, for several more years I held on to the hope he could change to match my earlier vision. Romance is seductive. It's glorifying first acts made my ego soar before the mirage faded away and I saw the ugliness of my reality. In the finale, I suffered real life consequences when I woke from my illusion...never again!
I observe the energy of punishment lifting it's ugly head in societies. I see punishment in court systems, in wars, and in acts of terrorism. World societies are made up of individuals and on our own we embrace punishment, too, in squabbles with our spouses, friends, family and neighbors. It's an everyday evil often overlooked, so common as to be considered normal. I'm guilty of it also. In a long time power struggle with my first husband, I'd use the tactic of withholding affection and depriving him of nurturing. At other times I'd crank angry power up and give him a good tongue lashing, then watch him wince. He did the same to me, breaking my spirit. In a different form, as a young woman, I suffered the targeted gossip of friends, when they created an alliance designed to exclude, to isolate and to dominate me. I in turn became passive aggressive and spiraled down along side them. Everyday evil seems childish, but I continue to see it acting out regularly in some form or another in my everyday world. Punishment can look similar to a corrective form of teaching, but correction is an act of protection, which leads to redemption and that's good for all...there's the difference. When my ego get's a power buzz at another's expense, when I can't feel their anguish, when I'm actually enjoying their discomfort; then I'm in punishment...it's the worst!
Trust is the first step on the Love side of The Matrix of Love and Hate. To trust is to be open and accept the present moment, just as it is. I first embraced Trust in my life when everything was falling apart around me. My husband had died from a long tortuous battle with cancer, leaving me with a half-built house and medical bills. Step-by-step, with the help of others, I found a way out of the the mess and fear that gripped me. Embracing trust has helped me be more open-minded, creative, and adventurous. The trick is how do I embrace trust in my life, no matter what is happening. When I am able to do this, I feel much better.
“"Breaking Open" (Vulnerability)”
Vulnerability has a negative connotation. After all, no body wants to be seen as weak, so we are taught to appear strong. However, I have learned that vulnerability is necessary to build integrity and create authentic personal power. Vulnerability is what allows me to dive deep into suppressed feelings, experience the pain and release my pent up emotions, many of which date back to childhood. I come out on the other side, healed and whole, freed of the troubling life patterns that have bound me...reborn!
The word humility commonly suggests the absence of pride or arrogance. However, I experience humility differently. For me, it’s a feeling of renewal, like a mythical phoenix rising from the ashes. After experiencing a deep healing or atonement, I leave the heavy energy behind. I feel at one, liberated and wise in the inner knowledge of a humble self.
To witness is the ability to see clearly, to be impartial, and most importantly, to not take things personally. I often hear spiritual advice to embrace non-attachment, but honestly, it's a hard act to pull off when stirred by life's dramas and mortality. Relations with family can be especially challenging. Daughters commonly are overly sensitive in interactions with their mothers...been there, done that, won the prize. Even as an adult, my mother could easily stir me with a single word or look. It took work: vulnerability and healing to get me unstuck. By creating a foundation of emotional health, today I'm able to listen and share in an innocent way that I couldn't do before. I've grown to enjoy our relationship and love my dear mother as she is.
Compassion is like a big hug, but before you can really hug others, I think you've got to be able to give a hug to yourself. A spiritual teacher once taught me "Your first true love is yourself." It took me a while to really get what he meant. My compassion needed a foundation. I needed to be vulnerable, to reveal what I'd hidden behind my mask; hidden hurts, secret desires. I needed to grow, to create a reservoir of my own humility and humanity. Through that process I got to know myself and warm my heart with innocent self-acceptance. What I relish is, now that I find myself huggable, I can better hug you - just as you are, just as I am...hugs!
“"Breathing In Breathing Out" (Forgiveness)”
True forgiveness is rare in our culture. It's most often a shallow intellectual exercise that leaves one a victim. Before my first husband’s death, the two of us were engaged in a power struggle over our unfinished 10-year-old self-built house project. Then he died, leaving me alone in rural Southeast Indiana, living in sawdust, full of resentment and anger…what a mess! To get out of my trap, first I learned to let go and trust. Then over the next two years, I worked my way internally to feel compassion for both of us. At the same time, I finished the house myself and with the help of friends got my occupancy certificate. Still, I was stuck…my heart wouldn’t fill up all the way. It took more than me, it took more than friends, it took what felt like Grace. I had done the work to set the stage, and then one day forgiveness just came, spontaneously, miraculously. I was able to receive it. And then, just as miraculously, my heart filled up. I was suddenly able to forgive Scott. I breathe forgiveness in, I breathe forgiveness out…I am free! May he rest in peace.
A state devoid of words, devoid of thoughts, where the illusionary veil of separation is lifted; allowing you, I, all to be one. My guess is that saints and experienced yogis might attain this degree of energetic connection regularly, but I've only experienced glimpses. Union represents the summit to me, of my climb up the Love side of the "Matrix of Love and Hate." It is my spiritual and emotional Mount Everest. I crafted this mandala in a meticulous fashion over the course of several months, layering colors and geometric forms together to create a vibrantly whole image of Union. Like me, it's not perfect, containing a bit of the human imperfection that Japanese artists embrace with their artistic concept of wabi-sabi. The painting hangs on the wall above the aquarium in our house. When I look at it, the swirl of my world seems to stop and I feel like I'm being transported home to my soul's core. It works like a charm...ahhh!
“The Matrix Diagram”
“Fear”
“ “Safe Place" (Protection)”
“"The Swelling of Pride"”
“"Shame"”
“"Winner Takes All" (Victor)”
“"Targeting" (Blame)”
“Punishment”
“Trust”
“"The Phoenix" (Humility)”
“Enlightening (Witness)”
“"Hugs" (Compassion)”
“Union”
